5 Street Signs That Suck.

I’ll read pretty much anything–a bag of friggin’ Fritos®, clothing labels, product manuals, even street signs, which brings me to the reason for this post.  Who the heck is writing these things?  Here are some of the most baffling and how I interpret them.

1. End Designated Safe Corridor

Really?

Thanks for telling me, but what unsafe territory am I careening headlong into? Will there be snipers?  Crocodiles?  Donald Trump’s hairdresser?

Lion-O’s Dad.

And why isn’t there a “Safe Corridor” sign?  People would like that…

“Hun, where are we?  I think we’re lost.”  They’re driving at night in an unfamiliar city.

He’s not even looking at the road, casually texting, “Don’t worry dear, this is a Safe Corridor.”

“Ohh, ok.”  She unlocks her door, takes off her seat-belt and lights up a cig.

2. Raised Manholes

Who–in their right mind–approved this?

Why were they raised as manholes?  Why weren’t they raised better, to become productive citizens rather than graphic anatomy?  Blame the parents, I do.  And let’s not forget the gender bias here–why should manholes get all the fun?  Womanholes need love, too.

3. The Enigma

I’m goin’ straight.

The number of fatalities generated by The Enigma is astonishing.  Urban legend boils with tales of her calling to you, like a siren, luring you and your car into harms way.  Stare at her too long and you’ll be rear-ended.  Try and make sense of her message and you’ll become immobilized.  This is the most ticketed area in town.

Some say she was constructed by an inebriated Department of Public Works employee, whose marriage to a prominent mystic, and former crossing guard, ended in failure.  I don’t even know what that means.

4. McDonald’s Segregation Movement

Not luvin’ it.

The sign is white, the letters are black.  It doesn’t take a civil rights leader to see what’s going on here: segregation, hiding in plain sight.  And are you telling me a drive-thru Happy Meal gives me the right to VIP parking?  I’ll never dine inside again.

5. The Height of Unnecessary

For real?

Yes it is.  It’s eating up my taxpayer dollars.

BONUS SIGN: Farting Cars

Cars + Gas = Flatulence

Cars have long been terrible for the environment, but now, now they’re farting, too?  Or is that like, I dunno, some kind of egg yolk demon, chasing down IHOP patrons who’ve skipped out on the check?  Whatever it is, it’s not allowed and that’s ok with me.  Less of what this is would be great.

Happy motoring!