Holiday Bread War: Christmas Stollen vs. The Fruitcake.


A Christmas Stollen

Description:

  • Unappealingly defined as “a folded sweet loaf,” this German tradition originated in the 1400s–a time period dominated by peasant Catholics, making stollens taste like sweetened Eucharists.  Our modern stollen combines the old and new, offering diced fruits kneaded between venial sins.  Stollens can be garnished with white fondant icing or, for a glossier sheen, WD-40.  Some reportedly use the stollen as an automobile buffing tool.
This is far too graphic to eat.

This is far too graphic to eat.

Ingredients:

  • 3/4 cup of expired milk
  • 3 eggs, beaten within an inch of their lives
  • 1/3 cup raisins (or matured grapes)
  • 3/4 cup of Skittles
  • 1 whole prehensile tail
  • 2 sticks of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!
  • 1 spayed cat
  • If available, ear wax

Preparation:

  • Pre-heat oven to the surface of the Sun, place loaf on 2nd rack, go on vacation, rotate upon returning home, trim the tree, open presents, remove stollen, let chill, serve and remain at a safe distance.

The Fruitcake

Description:

  • Disparagingly referred to as “a nebulous holiday cake,” the fruitcake is given by those who have no idea what gift giving means. If prepared properly, the cake’s texture will resemble asphalt.  Used by contractors as bricks and doorstops by the thrifty, many cakes are studded with embalmed fruit in grossly unnatural colors.
Engage gag reflex.

Engage gag reflex.

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/2 cup of fermented tree sap
  • 1 eye of newt
  • 2 cups mincemeat (unidentified)
  • 1 cup of chopped/neutered dates
  • 2 regurgitated bananas
  • 1 quart 10W – 30 motor oil, preferably Quaker State
  • 1 tsp gun powder
  • 1 1/2 petrified dog logs

Preparation:

  • Combine ingredients in an industrial-sized Troy-Bilt Chipper/Shredder, steep overnight, form Belgian block-sized bricks, send to friends and family you hate.

Consumption Note:

  • Dr. Sybil Sycophant, Professor Emeritus and Registered Dietitian at Chalmers College of Hotel and Restaurant Management, says, “A spectacular failure, fruitcake is bereft of all significant nutrients.”
  • Dr. Sycophant in the lab.
You could say she's into it.

You could say she’s into it.

Competition Results:

  • Although the breads contain somewhat comparable ingredients, their tastes are wildly dissimilar, some reportedly hallucinogenic.
  • Taste aside–as it should be–the loaf-bread-cake controversy has only been fueled by this ridiculous competition.  The question remains: If a loaf falls near bread in the woods, will the cake hear it?
  • Holiday bread supremacy continues to be an elusive construct.  The title “Bread Winner” cannot, in any good conscience, be awarded to either dough.

Suggestion for Further Research:

  • Caveat molar.
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