Horror at the Grocery Store!

While not widely reported, grocery shopping has become a contributing factor behind a recent Centers for Disease Control finding: 1/2 of all Americans will suffer from some form of mental illness.  The sheer variety of choices we’re confronted by are enough to trigger a panic attack.  Take waffles for example.

The horror!

They’re waffles.  They all have square-shaped dents.  There’s no reason for all these permutations.  To boot, my photo doesn’t capture all 12 doors, and with approximately 7 varieties of waffle in each, that’s roughly 84 choices.  Don’t go to the supermarket if you have a hard time making decisions.

The Breakfast Pack Just Got Bigger.


The modest single-serving cereal box of my youth is gone, having mutated into this 8 pack of saccharine-fueled gluttony.  Even the “Breakfast Pack” font emblazoned on the packaging is bloated, consonants and vowels toppling over one another.  Childhood obesity anyone?

Too Much Plastic.


I mean really, all these crazy faces and vehicles, it’s just lunacy.  The amount of plastic in these juice-bombs cancels the recent achievement of the water bottle industry–less plastic.  And do our kids need to be constantly entertained, even when they’re drinking juice?  Why would I want to drink from Tigger’s head?  Is he hydrocephalic or something?

Introducing DiamondWeave™ Toilet Paper.


A pretty bold claim to assert “For a clean you will notice.”  Traditionally, that’s one of the hardest places to get a good look at.  And evidently you can win awards by using this toilet paper.  Little Bear is proof.  He’s held high by a beaming Momma Bear, her offspring winning 1st place for the Least Soiled Hiney.

The Vomit Roll.


When referring to food, use of the terms “celebration” and “roll” make me throw-up.  A Celebration Roll is something you do, an activity, like when your team wins, or you’ve just received a holy sacrament.  Let’s call this roll what it really is–a Friendly’s Log.

The Check-Out Mags.


We’ve been assaulted by mind-numbing choices, surrendered to increased portion sizes, submitted to outrageous packaging, and now, it’s time to check-out, where we catch-up with our humanoid family: Kim, Angelina and Brad.  We know their every move, their hardships, their hairstyles.  I’d disown them if I could.

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11 Responses to Horror at the Grocery Store!

  1. I have mini panic attacks over many things, most are usually pretty silly, but having too many options is almost as stressful as not having enough!

    I too, would disown the Kardashians if I could. I wrote a brief post about getting a petition to ban them: http://adamsdaughter.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/together-we-can-end-this-madness/

    I don’t mind “Brangie”. Or her infamous right leg.

  2. Pie says:

    My brain is in danger of bleeding after reading this post. Sometimes the simple options of one, or the other, this one, or that one, are enough.

  3. “Don’t go to the supermarket if you have a hard time making decisions.” Indeed!

    I also like how the magazine selections at checkout each offer a half dozen weight loss tips. I guess that makes sense, because advertisers know the right weight loss tip might just sell a magazine when it’s directed to people standing in checkout who loaded up their cart with five different frozen waffle varieties.

  4. Jason Smith says:

    I suppose little bear deserves an award for getting his bung hole clean with all that hair. I could have used this toilet paper when I was a kid, since mom always claimed my bedroom smelled like a bears den.

  5. Tori Nelson says:

    I think I need an inhaler. The thought of all that grocery store clutter all at once made me flip out a little.

  6. kitchenmudge says:

    During the cold war, we were told that this was what made our system better than socialism. How many people bought it?

  7. MS says:

    Adam its so friggin funny but disgustingly true are you friggin kiddin its like a goddam edible amusement park….. bobble head drink bottle to shut Cindy and Bobby Brady the f up!!! Please…. So many choices creates mental unstability, Maybe the next blog should be on a similar topic of the myriad of college major choices?

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