Whenever possible, I have doors open themselves for me. Enveloped in a regal feeling, automatic doors gently splice, a formerly occluded world now parted, as if to say, “Welcome, you Important Soul.”
And automatic doors are especially helpful when walking in groups–decision-making becomes unnecessary. I tend to hustle ahead of the others, get to the door first and announce, “I got it!” Doors open effortlessly, desperate throngs are now given safe passage into Wal-Mart, my chivalry quotient growing exponentially.
A close 2nd to automatic doors is the revolving door. Minimal effort is required, and many revolve automatically, the best of both worlds. Nice and easy. Right?
Unfortunately, there aren’t enough automatic and revolving doors in this world, making us all subject to ADHD: Awkward Door Holding Dance. Important to note, this disorder is recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
As a young buck, I was taught to open doors for women. No questions. Just do it. My female relatives had no problem with this–they downright expected the pleasantry. I learned, later in life, that some women see the act as undermining, signaling a physical, social and/or economic weakness. I was actually reprimanded by a woman once.
“No thank you! I can hold the door myself!” She clutched her purse as if it contained the last known vial of bitch potion.
“Ok, lunatic.” I never said that, out loud.
Her admonishment seared a struggle into my once magnanimous brain. To hold or not?
This Seinfeldian dilemma, ADHD, plays out between guys, too. I assure you, some men refuse to doors being held for them. They feel threatened. Me? I let them open the door, because I’m a regal S.O.B.
The typical male struggle occurs when guys approach from opposite sides. He who gets to the door first has the upper hand, as in the case of Random Guy #1.
Random Guy #1 holds open the door for Random Guy #2, “Please.”
Late to the game, #2 relies on gesture, a head nod, suggesting the weakest make passage, countering with, “No, no, no.“
#1 won’t stand for it. He pushes the door open wider, and without making eye contact–they key to winning–breathily spits, “C’mon.”
The use of “C’mon” has 2 meanings:
- If you don’t go though this door I’m gonna punch you in the face.
- You’re goin’ through this door.
Random Guy #2 was tardy, ensuring his demise (there’s a lot to be said about the subtle jog up to a door). In no time, #2 succumbs because people are piling up around this ADHD situation. His posture resembles a dog caught going #2 in the house.
I think I can explain why some people don’t like the door held for them, aside from the Women’s Liberation Movement. After considerable research, I’ve discovered a causation effect between phrases like “watch your back” and “cover your ass” and the incidence of ADHD.
So, where do you stand (or hold)?