Toddlers vs. The Bill of Rights.


It’s unimaginable to think that the Bill of Rights is getting trounced by the littlest members of our community.  But it’s happening people.  Toddlers win.  Witness.

Nice font!

Wishful thinking.

The 1st Amendment, the right to assemble peaceably, is a joke.  Visit any Applebee’s for proof.  You’ll hear some whacked-out toddler caterwauling over his chicken fingers, distraught because some of the breading fell off.  C’mon.  Get it together kids.  At least you have food.

We’re guaranteed against unreasonable search and seizure by the 4th Amendment.   That’s not upheld, not at all.  If something isn’t nailed down it’s gone.  How many times have you “lost” things?  You didn’t misplace your car keys, they were confiscated by a fleet-fingered toddler.

Our legal right to private property, the 5th Amendment, succumbs to the unabashed toddler, s/he taking whatever they like without just compensation.  The concept of ownership doesn’t exist. The common exclamation, “MINE!” handily represents why the 5th has failed. But let’s examine a real-life case study:

My Favorite Fruit, the Banana. 

My 3 year-old snagged the potassium-rich snack from me, immediately noshing and laughing in my face.  That was my banana, but I let it go.  He then banana-breathed in my face, then banana-burped a noxious yellow cloud in my direction.  Another Amendment down–the 8th: cruel and unusual punishment.

Prosecution remains out of reach due to toddlers’ developmental inability to respect our basic rights.  Even the ACLU refuses to tackle this crisis.  And what about The Declaration of Independence?  Our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?  Show me a happy parent, free from kid-prison and I’ll show you Pandora.

Sign it!

Such good intentions.

I’m reminded of a quote by Jean Shepard, author and narrator of A Christmas Story (1983), “We (toddlers) plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.”  That’s it.  Toddlers suffer from Unbridled Avarice.

Our saving grace is the 2nd Amendment–the right to bear arms. We need to protect ourselves from these little devils. This brings us to an entirely different issue: to spank or not?  Our variably unruly boy has yet to be bottom-censured.  I welcome your recommendations.

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10 Responses to Toddlers vs. The Bill of Rights.

  1. Mary Miraglia says:

    As someone who was raised under corporal punishment and raised children without it, I don’t think it makes a difference. It’s more about your parental attitude.

    I can tell you they are just as ungrateful when they grow up without spanking as with.

  2. There it is! “…unbridled avarice.” Nice.

    I’ll be sharing this post with my kids. The children must know that we as parents are starting to take notice of the shameful and deliberate abuse of our rights!

    Also…caterwauling. Love that word. Thanks for that.

  3. Ok…my wife just came in the room, so I showed her the post. She laughed out loud as she read. The chicken fingers breading was especially humorous (our 3 year old son) as was the banana bit. She commented on how our son always wants to have whatever it is we happen to be eating. “Just give him a little piece,” we tell the older kids. He’s like the city exercising some sort of eminent domain right on food!

  4. The good part is that the Constitution fails to protect THEM in a couple of years. I’ve done some searching and seizing in my day, usually to find their candy stash. And bearing of arms? Forget it. Hand over the pocket-knife, son. It’s MINE.

  5. I think you may be able to take this to a higher court: banana-breathing and banana burping are most likely covered in the Geneva Conventions.

  6. Cletus says:

    Funny stuff BirdbathMan!, always enjoyable to read Boyyy!

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